“Abuse is like being in a war film, where people are imprisoned because they don’t know anything beyond it” Nazma Khatun says
“I am no longer a victim to him, I went through a tough time, but it’s only made my relationships with people better. It’s made my life better” Nazma Khatun, a counsellor and psychotherapist from Manchester tells me.
Nazma Khatun, a single mum of two children, changed her life for the better when she divorced the man who left her homeless with their six-month old daughter.
She now works with women who may be going through similar experiences as she did and aims to challenge and change the limited beliefs they may have about themselves.
In 2017, she opened her own practice, working from home in Levenshulme. She did this after working in the field of psychotherapy and counselling for ten years but this all came following many years of abuse and hardship.
Soon after she left sixth form, Nazma was taken to Bangladesh and was introduced and married to a relative there.
She said: “I got married to someone I didn’t know, I hadn’t seen. When I got back, I knew that there was no compatibility and there was just nothing there. I ended up getting divorced at 19”.
When she accepted a new job in a small office a few months later, Nazma received a proposal off a man she was working with but had not dated.
Nazma accepted the proposal thinking it would be a new beginning and that he was going to be the man of her dreams.
She explained: “There was so much pressure at home, being the eldest and getting told that nobody would ever marry me again, that I had brought shame onto the family, so I did it. I thought I bagged myself a handsome, charismatic guy”.
Now, as a psychotherapist and counsellor, she realises that the warning signs were there but just didn’t think of him as abusive when she married him.
“I had a similar abuse pattern in my home life, you know, getting shouted at when I lost my keys or when I left the window open. You just think it’s only small things, I thought it was normal. I just thought he was a little hot headed like my dad was, but I was naive.
“When I was growing up my dad was strict, boys weren’t in my radar, I didn’t really speak to my brothers and my first encounter with a boy was my marriage” she said.
From the moment the abuse all began, Nazma knew that her marriage was going to be challenging and managed to file the divorce after 10 years.
She said: “I told him so much about my past, how hard the first divorce was, and I put him on a pedelstal from the moment I met him, so he used it all against me. Anytime something would go wrong, he would say ‘I will tell your family’ or ‘I will divorce you’.
“At that time, he knew that getting divorced was my biggest fear, I really didn’t want to go through that again” she added.
Nazma described her marriage to be like a “rollercoaster, a really fast one where you have little relief as it comes down, but the cycle continues, and you drop again”.
She continued: “I ended up in hospital numerous times, I was homeless with my six-month-old daughter at one point because he’d kicked me out and taken everything, it was just too much and there was this big ordeal throughout our entire marriage”.
After getting divorced, Nazma followed through with her passion within the field of psychology and qualified as a psychotherapist using her experiences to help others.
“It’s really interesting how we think that nobody will believe us when something like this is happening. That is what abuse does to you, they tell you you’re emotionally unstable and you believe it. It’s reverse psychology because as soon as you’re ready to stand up for yourself, you’re in defence mode”.
She views abuse almost like a war film, where people don’t want to leave because of the lack of skills they have, they stay imprisoned because they don’t know what it’s like beyond it.
“That is the power of being in an abusive relationship. You tell yourself it is going to get better because you’re so afraid of what might happen if you leave” she said.
Nazma took up counselling two years into her marriage and found herself telling people what was happening when she lost her keys or forgot to close the window at home.
“There is a lack of people talking about domestic abuse and taboo around the subject. We need to stop victim shaming, the idea that you have done something wrong, so a person can hit you? No, there is nothing, nothing on earth that you can do to make it okay for someone to hit you or abuse you for” she said.
She believes that the idea of victim shaming within culture and religion is ludicrous and found going to Imam’s (Muslim leader) difficult whilst married.
“My religion is everything to me, I could not have gone through this without it but some of these people I went to speak to said ‘have sabr’ (patience) but that is not what sabr is. Sabr is not staying in a marriage getting beaten up, it is perseverance and fighting depression.”
Nazma speaks her faith as something that kept her going and believes that people who are in abusive relationships are in dangerous grounds with whatever faith they have.
“You wake up in the morning, you think about whether he’s pleased with you, whether you’re dressed right, whether you’re doing enough, all to make sure that you are okay. I think the divorce is just a small part, the real issue is what abuse does to your faith and mindset” she said.
Nazma encourages women to take action, whether it is big or small, to read, to learn and to expose themselves and to break the cycle of abuse.
“There are so many services out there to help you, many are free, some available in the middle of the night that don’t come up on your phone bill. I used services such as Women’s Aid who really helped.
“Do this for you because investing something like this is so important and it could change your entire life” she said.
Nazma has set up a YouTube page to share seminars which is over at: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC8gm032LPp44H3NU_m-vgvA/featured
Embankment, a newly formed indie-rock band from Essex, have released their first single “Beautiful Losers”. The song was released on Friday after three months of waiting to release it.
Alex Blackman, Joe Bodfield and Harry Boon decided to come together in November to form the band after learning to play the instruments. Alex, who wrote the song in Easter 2017, said that the idea to form a band came two years ago before they could even play the instruments.
Front man Alex said that Beautiful Losers came about after he played the keyboard and loved the sound of the harp. The song is about going through rough patches of your life and how you can manage and push through it all. Alex said that he “felt the song had to be written and it’s just one of of them”.
Embankment aspire to be a band of the 20’s and hope that their album in the future is iconic and one which people talk about. They plan to release their album in 2021 but say it’s not yet been confirmed.
Since the song has been released, the band have received incredible feedback already. Audiences have complimented the band for ‘using their own style’ and being ‘different’. The band wish to release an EP in September but have not yet confirmed it.
Beautiful Losers is available on Spotify, Youtube and iTunes.
A couple of weeks ago, I was out with some friends discussing some interesting topics and organ donation came up in conversation. Most of us said that we would actually be up for the idea, it would be helping to change people’s lives and that’s something we all want to do. However, someone did argue that it would be their organs, do they really need to give them away? What if you wanted to be buried with all your organs in place because that’s what makes you human right? Why would you give your heart away? It’s your heart.
I decided to take this discussion on Twitter and I tweeted out a poll. Below are the results of my twitter poll.
It’s clear to see that those who answered the poll thought that organ donation should definitely be encouraged after death. I then took it on to talk to a few people about their thoughts including Youtuber SubPixel. He has recently signed up to become an organ donor. Bloggers including Caitlin and Louise have also recently signed up to become organ donors and both discussed why they have done so.
SubPixel said that he had signed up to become an organ donor because it’s a great thing to do. It is also something that will help someone who needs the help and would be the last nice thing he could do in this world. He added that it is important because you don’t necessarily need them when you die; was trying to get his friends to sign up to become organ donors too.
Caitlin, a blogger from Newport, said that she had recently signed up to become an organ donor as both her parents and her brother have already signed up. She thinks it is crucial for us to help those who are in need of organs as it would be completely changing their lives for good. Caitlin said that she decided to sign up after three weeks of thinking about it as it is something big. She had always imagined herself being buried with her organs as it seems to be the ‘normal’ thing to do. However, she also said that with the rise of organ donors, from what she knows, a lot of people will probably love the idea of organ donation anyway.
Louise completely agreed with Caitlin’s thoughts and said that she signed up to become an organ donor two years ago when she turned 20. Louise is a Mental Health blogger from Essex but said that become an organ donor has allowed her to understand her body a little bit more and the importance of maintaining your organs as healthy as possible. Though Louise believes that it is important to help those who need the organs after you die, she did say that she would not want to give away her heart as she feels that nobody should have her heart – it is hers and will remains hers.
Though most people I talk to about organ donation say that they are more likely to sign up and give their organs away rather than keeping the organs for themselves, there was 19% of those who answered the poll who thought that you shouldn’t need to be encouraged to give your organs away after you die.
Someone did message me on Twitter saying that they don’t like the idea of giving away their organs because it’s just ‘bizarre’. We’ve all been given our own organs so we should keep them, he said. We shouldn’t have people telling us that it’s a nice thing to do because we could still be nice people; just not wanting to give away our insides.
What do you think? Do you think we should be encouraged to give away our organs when we die? Get in touch!
As many of you will be aware, I’ll be taking on a 160ft bungee jump this month. This is the scariest but the most exciting thing I have ever done. As someone who’s afraid of heights AND water, it’s probably not a great idea but why not? It’s for an amazing cause and is also a little bit of ‘fun’.
I’ll be jumping to raise money for Water4Life projects in Africa with Islamic Relief. There are so many people who die every single day purely because they aren’t drinking clean water. We take advantage of that. Sometimes we get caught up with life, we don’t realise how privileged we are just to have the basics necessities to live.
I’m jumping over Salford Quays, now this is where I also study so it’s close to me and it’s somewhere where I’ll go to after the bungee jump. (Either really good memories or bad ones, let’s hope it’s all good right?).
If you’d like to sponsor me, even if it’s just a pound, it’ll be mean absolutely everything! The link is:
Photo credit: Sufia Begum
Though I did not take part in the run, The Colour Run was by far one of the best events I have been involved with. The amount of colour, fun and positivity the event held was ridiculous. Waking up at 6am was definitely worth it; I would do it all again.
Orange zone was where all the fun was at, I was completely covered with the paint at the end of the event. I even had it up my nose which was a bit hard to get out. There were over 9,000 people who had registered to take part in the run at Manchester’s Etihad stadium, it definitely felt like that. We had tubs of paint and I just kept having to refill the mustard jar.
There were people rolling around on the floor to cover themselves in more colour and people who just walked the run to get more colour thrown at them. There were so many unicorns and princesses who were completing the run for charities and more than just having fun.
The run was also a really good place to meet new people from all different backgrounds interested in the same thing, cOLOUR and fun. I would say I am without a doubt taking part in the run next year. It was just full of excitement. I didn’t get to interview anyone because of how busy the event was and because of how much paint there was. This was something that really disappointed me because it would have been an excellent place to interview people and get some really good photographs.